He told me to he would stand by me through everything.
He told me he would support me and be the best lover, husband, and father he could ever be.
He promised to be beside me always
He promised to hold my hand
He promised to never let me cry in vain
He promised to share every joy, pain and challenges together
Then, like a bolt of lightening the horrors of loss and pain and sorrow came in. Our live was turned upside down. Every hint of joy and peace vanished. Our dreams turned into nightmares.
I stopped lamenting and stood up to fight those demons that couldn’t stop hunting us.
I wanted every peace and joy and resources of ours that were stolen to be returned
I rose from my anguish to wage war
Because i had my partner by my side. With him and my children i knew i could win any battle.
I whispered in his ear that night “we would beat this honey”
And he said “its been months baby and yet we’ve had no sign of change. I cant watch you and the children suffer anymore”.
I held his cold hands “I’m sure we would find a way honey, you cant give up now”.
He nodded and we each turned to our thoughts
Five am the next morning “hey baby, i need to go out and see what could pop up, maybe ill find a way” He said.
“Okay” i nodded.
Six pm there was no sign of him… Eight pm there was no sign of him…Ten pm there was still no sign of him. I became scared and frantic, still waiting and hoping he would come home to me.
“Hello, is this Mrs…?
“Yes that’s me”…
“There’s no better way to say this ma’am, I’m
Sorry, we just found your husband’s body, he committed suicide by drug overdose….we found a letter addressed to you in his pockets…that was how we could reach you…
Suicide! How could he do this to his family…he killed himself….Why? For what? Oh i know. Challenges! Loss! Poverty! Just for these reasons. Things i couldn’t even put a face on. Wow! He had so much guts to kill him self but had no guts to stay alive. To stay with me.
There were no tears. No sound! No voice!
Only the voices in my head
Only my thought wedging war
Only my anger towards him
Only my anger towards myself
Only my anger towards the love i had for him
What of his promises to me. I only ever wanted him. He was my whole life. I wanted him. He lied to me that morning. Oh! He didn’t lie. He said he was going to find a way and that he did. His way was suicide.
He abandoned me. The woman he loved. He left his two boys without a father. Just because he couldn’t handle the problem. Or because he couldn’t be brave and hold my hand and face everything head on
Then like a sharp pain realization hit me…
He was a weak man.
A man not strong enough
A man not brave enough
A man not smart enough
A man not wise enough
A man not courageous
The only thing he had were emotions. His never ending love for me. His emotions of gratitude, respect, trust, sense of belonging, physical strength and kindness towards everyone around him.
He never had true strength of a man. The Valor and its survival instinct.
I married a lovable weak man.
It was then the tears flowed. Tears i couldn’t stop. I loved him so much so much that it hurts but that love has hate in it.
Hating him for only being a man in bed and never a man in its real sense. For never facing his problems like a true man and working hard to solve them.
Just love is never enough. Love is bearing all things together, forever.
Love is what God gave us.